The Pursuit of Happiness
I’m not exactly sure when the shadows of depression began to creep in. Perhaps it was during my second year in Israel when many of my friends had moved away, or maybe it started earlier, when I first began discovering parts of my mind I never knew existed. Regardless of when it started, what mattered was that I found myself unprepared to cope with it.
To be fair, it’s not entirely accurate to say I lacked tools. In fact, one of the first pieces of advice I encountered upon arriving in Israel—back when I was still riding high on carefree optimism—came from Rav Eliyahu Dessler in his essay collection Strive for Truth. He offered a simple yet profound insight: the only things that can make you happy are those within your control, so it’s essential to set reachable goals.
I’ve heard it said countless times, “You can’t base your happiness on another person.” While this advice sounded wise, I struggled to put it into practice. How could I not be affected by the emotions and actions of those around me? If my mother had a bad day, I often felt the weight of it too. If the person I was dating didn’t text me back, anxiety would spiral, convincing me that I was unworthy of love until I received a response. These connections felt inescapable, and my happiness seemed tethered to others.
But then, one day, it clicked. Other people are in control of their own emotions, just as I am in control of mine. I couldn’t ensure that my mother would always be happy, nor could I compel others to respond to my messages. The only thing I can do is strive to be my best self.
The challenges arise when our goals depend on others or things outside our control. If my goal is to ensure my mother is perpetually joyful, I set myself up for disappointment. If she has a tough day, it doesn’t reflect my failure; it’s simply a reminder of the limits of my influence. Instead, my focus must be on my actions—how I choose to be respectful, kind, and supportive, regardless of external circumstances.
The first step toward happiness lies in recognizing what is within your power and what is not. By setting goals that reflect this understanding, you begin to take charge of your own happiness. The key is to focus on attainable goals and take meaningful actions toward them. With each small step you take, you’re opening doors to greater fulfillment and joy.
I’m still navigating this journey, and there are days when I feel overwhelmed and question everything. Yet, those days are becoming less frequent, and I’ve learned to frame them as just moments in my life that will pass. I remind myself that I have the power to find something good to do that can uplift my spirits.
To cultivate that positivity, I reflect on my goals—big, medium, small, and the tiny actions that bring me joy. My overarching goal is to empower women toward financial stability, primarily through mentorship and support. To achieve this, I’m actively working on medium goals like writing this blog and excelling in my job. My small daily goals include practicing gratitude, studying Jewish law, and prioritizing my well-being. And the tiny good things? Those encompass everything that nourishes my spirit: meditation, prayer, nourishing meals, walks in nature, and conversations with friends.
Whenever I find myself with some downtime, I revisit my list of goals. If I’m feeling low, convinced that nothing is going right, I turn to my list of tiny good things and choose to act. Because even on the darkest days, accomplishing just one small positive action can shift my perspective and contribute to a better world. Each step I take brings me closer to the life I envision, and I believe we all deserve to inhabit our dream palaces.
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